by Bear Hunter
I watched the movie Godzilla last weekend. I enjoy watching giant monsters smash cities as much as the next guy, I don’t know why that is but I do.
It was nice watching a movie about giant prehistoric monsters that feed on radiation and make the dinosaurs look like gerbils. If you are afraid of spoilers read no further. I’ve had very little sleep this week and I have lost all restraint. Back to Godzilla, this is a brief summary of the plot: Two giant moth creatures big enough to level skyscrapers awaken from prehistoric egg-sacs and start delivering cross-ocean love songs to each other via sonar. Godzilla is swimming at the bottom of the ocean feeding off of radioactive volcanic vents while minding his own business when he overhears the Lewd racket. It’s too much for the beast to bear, he can’t very well have this kind of smut pulsating over the waves in his ocean. New mission: find the giant moth monsters and get them to quiet down.
Godzilla sets out on his righteous crusade. He follows them all the way to the west coast of the United States. He finds the male and he makes his point heard. The male doesn’t respond well. Godzilla gets flustered and finds himself caught up in a bridge. He tries to get free but little army men start firing on him. Godzilla loses his temper, this is not the way he imagined his day going.
The moth couple finally meet ending their long distance relationship. A densely populated area seems like the most logical nesting place for a young couple trying to make it in this new fast paced world. The female smashes up some buildings and makes herself at home. The two are drawn closer.
Godzilla finally catches up, travel by sea is a bitch. Grumpy and tired from the long-distance swim Godzilla decides it’s time to draw the line and make himself heard. The display Godzilla stumbles upon offends every bit of decency in his 100 000 ton – I checked a poll online – body. Lady moth creature is up on a pile of debris twerking her giant glowing egg-sac booty for the whole world to see. Literally, millions can’t turn away and if they do something heavy and concrete might fall on their heads. Godzilla has seen quite enough! Usually he wouldn’t hit a girl but this can’t be tolerated. He storms into the – ignoring the tiny army man waves as he passes them by – city to give that harlot a piece of his mind.
Beast battles beast in a larger than life – larger than anything else living – beastial bout of epic – quite literally – proportions. Godzilla is all bitch-slaps and tail-bitch-slaps.
Mr. Male Moth Monster – all horny with testosterone coursing through his open circulatory system – arrives not to find a romantic nesting but rather a giant lizard laying the smack-down on his woman. He is not impressed. Male Moth Monster to the rescue. He descends on the scaly beast with the rage of a thousand nuclear reactors. He let’s out his piercing electro-magnetic-pulse scream for all the world to hear. So what if he knocks out the city’s power grid? People will have to make due with candles. Male Moth Monster has always been a romantic at heart so he likes the idea of candles, it might help set the mood for after he disembowels Godzilla.
The three massive titans battle it out in a battle royal for the ages. Godzilla lashes out with the blue fiery fury of his “shame breath”. The moths are no match for Godzilla’s righteousness. Godzilla speaketh and it shall be done.
With his foes slain and made an example of in front of all of humanity, Godzilla drags his feet back into the ocean. Back to his peaceful solitary life at the bottom of the ocean. No smut, no moth creatures and no lady Godzillas… Godzilla finds a nice hot volcanic vent and drowns his sorrows.
I’ve never written anything like that, so I thought I’d give it a try. I’m so tired that I’m not even sure what came out of me. I should probably get to bed.
– Bear Hunter